* I feel like "The flight's fate" and beyond can be given its own paragraph, to give it a sense of equality. Right now, it's 9 lines vs 4 lines. Breaking that apart can make it 3v6v4. I also think the whole search merits its own paragraph; the first paragraph will thus be a kind of encapsulation of what happened to the plane.
- "Honolulu from San Francisco" --> "
Honolulu from
San Francisco"
- "recovered about 900 miles (1,400 km) northeast of Honolulu." Link
Honolulu here
- The map can be given a caption saying "Map showing the flight's origin, planned destination, and crash site" or of the sort
- "and New York City before"-- add comma between "City" and "before"
- "Honolulu International Airport" --> "
Daniel K. Inouye International Airport, located at
Honolulu,
Hawaii"
- The airport wasn't renamed Daniel K. Inouye International Airport until 2016. Between 1951 and 2016 it was the Honolulu International Airport. But wikilinks exist to the airport article, where readers can familiarize themselves with the airport and its history if needed.
RecycledPixels (
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- "Romance of the Skies" --> "Clipper Romance of the Skies"
- "Pan Am notified the Coast Guard" --> "Pan Am notified the
United States Coast Guard"
United States Coast Guard is linked at the first use in the lead section. Done.
- "in more than ninety minutes" --> "in more than 90 minutes"
- "After another ninety minutes" --> "After another 90 minutes"
- You are inconsistent with your referrals to the Coast Guard; sometimes it's "the Cost Guard", at others its "the U.S. Coast Guard".
- Corrected. The first usage in the article, in the lead section, is identified and spelled out as United States Coast Guard. All subsequent references use "Coast Guard".
RecycledPixels (
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- Link
Pacific Ocean
Pacific Ocean linked at first use in the lead section.
RecycledPixels (
talk) Done.
- "ordered the USS Philippine Sea"-- drop the "the" per the article, which doesn't use "the". As well as for "the USS John R. Craig and the USS Orleck", as well as "commander of the Philippine Sea".
- "the Navy" --> "the
United States Navy"
- "Upolu Point" --> "ʻUpolu Point"
- At "eight coast guard vessels", it must be "Coast Guard"
- "On November 14, the crew of a Navy search plane observed wreckage and bodies in the water, about 900 miles (1,400 km) northeast of Honolulu, and about 90 miles (140 km) north of the flight's intended track." I think you can move [6]:2 to the next sentence, then remove the [18] ref in this sentence.
- Link
Rear admiral (United States)
- "Investigations by the CAB" --> "Investigations by the
Civil Aeronautics Board (CAB)"
CAB acronym introduced and linked in the lead section, all other uses of Civil Aeronautics Board used CAB.
RecycledPixels (
talk) Done.
- Link
Amazon basin, decapitalize "B"
- "noting in his report that "you could duplicate loud noise by stepping hard on door between cockpit and cargo. Also loud bang could be duplicated by dropping forward toilet lid."" This can be paraphrased to "arguing in his report that the noises can be duplicated."
- "Pan Am Flight 6, the Sovereign of the Skies, ditches" --> "Pan Am Flight 6, whose aircraft was named the Sovereign of the Skies, ditching"
- Remove link to Honolulu International Airport, remove "International Airport" for consistency
- "The captain of the flight was Gordon H. Brown, age 40, who had been flying for Pan Am since his 1942 graduation from Northeastern University. At the time of Flight 7, he had accumulated 11,314 hours of flight experience, including 674 hours in the Stratocruiser. The first officer of the flight, William P. Wygant, was 37 and had been employed with the company since 1946. He had a total of 7,355 flying hours, including 4,018 on the Stratocruiser." Remove the references in these sentences, as they're covered in the next sentence. As well as in "He had a total of 2,683 flight hours, including 1,552 in the Stratocruiser."
- Left the first one in because part of that sentence was sourced to the San Francisco Examiner article and the information was not duplicated in the CAB report.
RecycledPixels (
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- "Second officer William H. Fortenberry, acting as pilot-navigator on the flight, had worked for Pan Am since 1951 since graduating from Spartanburg Community College in South Carolina." Move the ref 28 to the final sentence, remove all references, in this sentence.
- Same issue with Fortenberry, with one part cited from the SF Examiner article, which contains a fair amount of "human interest" details about the crew members that I didn't feel was relevant enough to include in the article, but may interest someone who looks up that reference.
RecycledPixels (
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I have addressed and/or responded to the comments so far in this section. Let me know if you would like to discuss it further.
RecycledPixels (
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20:49, 3 March 2022 (UTC)
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- Before I move on with my last batch of comments, I'd like to say that the lead is different from the body. Leads are like summaries of an article, whereas body is the core content. So even if the lead does link to the CAB, it must be repeated again in the first mention of it in the body. Other GAs and FAs have also followed this style, and you have too in a way: you linked Pan Am in the first section despite there being a mention in the lead.
Gerald
WL
01:18, 4 March 2022 (UTC)
reply
- Ok, I took another look at
WP:REPEATLINK and saw the mention that an object may be linked a second time in its first use after the lead section, so I've adjusted those responses and made those changes. Thanks.
RecycledPixels (
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06:00, 4 March 2022 (UTC)
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- Awesome! Only thing I did left to resolve this first batch is extending "Coast Guard" in the first body mention. Now moving on the last batch.
Gerald
WL
08:32, 4 March 2022 (UTC)
reply
- "By the time the carrier returned".. "the carrier" can be trimmed to "it" since "the carrier" has been mentioned a few words ago.
- "an engine cowl support ring"-- you mean
Towned ring?
- I believe you meant to link to
Townend ring. No. See
Cowling for a description of an engine cowling. I've seen "cowl" and "cowling" used interchangeably in aviation writing, I used the word "cowl" because that is what the original source used. I assume that an engine cowl support ring is something that attaches the cowl to the airframe although I have not specifically researched what the exact part is. I can link "engine cowl" to the cowling article for clarity, though.
RecycledPixels (
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- "Representatives from the airline" --> "Representatives from Pan Am"
- "In their investigation, CAB officials".. "officials" --> "investigators" for consistency
- "levels of carbon monoxide in 14".. "in" --> "within"
- Not done, "in" is a better preposition in this case.
- "Investigators conducted".. "Investigators" --> "CAB investigators" since it's the first mention in the paragraph.
- You often switch between "the CAB" and "CAB". Must be consistent.
- When used as a noun, it is "the CAB", as in "The CAB concluded that that the somewhat cursory investigations...". When used as an adjective, as in "CAB Investigators found several instances..." there is no "the" preceding it. I wasn't able to find any inconsistencies there, and the
Civil Aeronautics Board article uses "The CAB" when using CAB as a noun (except for one inconsistency in the "offices" section) and "CAB" as an adjective, as in "CAB Chairman".
- Link
turbocharger
- "In 1958, the following year" --> "In 1958, a year after the crash of Flight 7"
- "The passenger, William Payne, 41, of Scott Bar, California" --> "The passenger, a 41-year-old man from Scott Bar, California named William Payne"
- I think you can put the inflation adjustments as footnotes, since they're merely inflations and it makes the prose unecessarily longer; those who want to know can hover over the Efn.
That's all I have for this article; if all of them are resolved I'll support.
Gerald
WL
07:12, 5 March 2022 (UTC)
reply
- Thanks again, I've implemented those suggestions or responded here to a couple that I didn't implement.
RecycledPixels (
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18:54, 7 March 2022 (UTC)
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