Content-wise, I think this article is there, but could use some copyediting before it's fully ready for promotion. In general, I think the prose needs a little tightening up to remove redundancies and tautologies. My more specific comments will mainly pertain to the lede, and then I'll give some more general copyediting advice for the rest of the article.
- Minor first sentence quibble, but I don't think you need to say "video game" in "BioShock 2 is a first-person shooter video game". All first-person shooters are video games, so I'd definitely say it's tautological. If someone doesn't know that a first-person shooter is a video game, they can click the link.
- This is another stylistic preference, but I don't think you need to say that a game called BioShock 2 is "[t]he sequel to the 2007 game BioShock"—this should be self-evident to the reader. I think you can chop this clause and just add a wikilink to BioShock at "eight years after the events of BioShock" in the next sentence.
- As a general comment, hit Ctrl+F and look for every mention of "the game's" or "of the game". In my experience, you'll find that in almost all cases, it's unnecessary. Some examples include "In the
game's single-player campaign, players control...", "... expanded the sonic palette of the game to include more blues and religious music to parallel the game's themes", and "A remastered version of the game was released..."
- "BioShock 2 received positive reviews
upon release... The multiplayer mode was supported with downloadable content upon launch" "Upon release", "on release", or "upon launch" is almost never, never necessary. Readers understand that games aren't reviewed until they're finished—not to mention they're often reviewed shortly before they come out.
- I've noticed several instances of "called" and "titled", such as "...a single-player campaign expansion, titled Minerva's Den..." Similar to "upon release", these are almost never needed. For example, "Modified and conditioned children,
called "Little Sisters", collect scarce ADAM..." doesn't lose any clarity when dropping it.
- Is there any reason the plot section comes before the gameplay? Plot sections generally come after gameplay per
WP:VGORDER. I see it describes things like Big Daddies and the setting of the Rapture but I think these could be concisely introduced in gameplay first. Up to you though.
- I removed some instances of overlinking in my review, but I may not have caught them all—I'd take another look to ensure that they're all gone.
- In the reception section, I'd challenge statements like "The game's campaign was generally well received" and "The multiplayer mode had mixed reception" as generalizations that require direct refs to back them up.
Overall there are some issues with the writing but the content is great. I'll take another look after some copyedits have been done.
JOE
BRO
64
14:54, 13 August 2022 (UTC)
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- Hey Joe, thanks for the review. I feel like in terms of a general audience explicitly saying BioShock 2 is a video game in the lead is useful for people who aren't familiar with first-person shooters or video games in general; it is technically "redundant" but it's a concession for the tragically lost :) There's also a few areas where I feel like just removing "the game" or similar makes the subject unclear. However, the overall point of tightening redundancies is well-taken; I've done another pass through the article, removing some of the fluff words where possible or swapping some to reduce repetition.
- As for the plot section, it's mostly ordered that way since I was following the lead of
BioShock, and because I found it a bit easier to sketch the outlines of the plot in this instance before detailing the gameplay elements (I think in this instance it leads to a bit less redundant info). I've added more refs for the statements mentioned above you thought needed more explicit referencing.
Der Wohltemperierte Fuchs
talk
02:45, 17 August 2022 (UTC)
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- As the person who responded to the copyedit request, I thank you for your feedback.
Ovinus (
talk)
21:27, 17 August 2022 (UTC)
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- Sounds good. I've reread the article and have just two more comments.
- In the plot section, I think it might be helpful to have references for these two sentences: "The ending depends on how the player interacted with encountered Little Sisters and the fates of the Rapture Family's members. Whether the player spared non-player characters or not influences if Eleanor saves her mother or leaves her to drown." Explaining how to obtain divergent endings, in my view, may go a bit beyond a straightforward synopsis and into the "conclusions inferred by interpretation" mentioned in
WP:VG/PLOT.
- IMO, if the Metacritic score is the same across all platforms, you don't need to separate X360, PC, and PS3 in the review box. I'd just give one 88/100 with all three refs next to it.
- Once these are addressed, I'll be ready to support.
JOE
BRO
64
22:04, 18 August 2022 (UTC)
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- Hey
TheJoebro64, I've tweaked the review table. For the plot, can you give me more specifics about what goes into too much detail that you feel runs into interpretation/needs secondary sourcing? I've gone looking for solid explanations of the endings but the sources are mostly non-notable game guides, wikis, and the like—besides there being multiple endings, I haven't found a source that gives a good delineation. So the alternative is chopping it down so that you think it doesn't need the additional citations.
Der Wohltemperierte Fuchs
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14:52, 20 August 2022 (UTC)
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- Yeah, I think cutting those two sentences down to "The game features two endings" and leaving the "If Delta..."s should be the best solution. If reliable sources don't discuss the means for obtaining alternate endings, I think that suggests it's not entirely necessary.
JOE
BRO
64
01:40, 23 August 2022 (UTC)
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-
TheJoebro64: I've shortened the end of the plot section. Does it look better now?
Der Wohltemperierte Fuchs
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02:08, 25 August 2022 (UTC)
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