A mixed-orientation marriage is a marriage between partners of differing
sexual orientations. The broader term is mixed-orientation relationship and both terms are often shortened to MOM and MOR respectively. One person is heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, or asexual while the other is not.
The terms MOM and MOR can also sometimes refer to couples with different
sexual identities and
paraphilias, or when one person is
transgender and the other is
not. However, this is not technically accurate as these concepts do not refer to one's orientation specifically.
According to a 1994 study, 2-4% of American women are, or have been, in a marriage with a man who has had sex with another man. For the purposes of this study, men who identified as homosexual, bisexual, or heterosexual were included in this number, and it does not account if the homosexual activity occurred before, during, or after the marriage.[1]Need more stats... grr
Homosexuals and heterosexuals
Homosexual men and women wed heterosexuals for many complex reasons. The
New York Times did an extensive article on the subject in 2006, citing "discrimination, ...wishful thinking, the layered ambiguities of sexual love and authentic affection."[2] Joe Kort, a social worker who specializes in counselling gay men and their heterosexual wives stressed that, "These men genuinely love their wives.... They don't mean any harm."[2]
Gay men and heterosexual women
Kort has theorized that some heterosexual women find homosexual men less judgmental and more flexible, while others unconsciously seek partnerships that are not sexually passionate.[2]
One study states that heterosexual women in mixed-orientation marriages may be attracted to homosexual men and proceed to marry them.[3]
Heterosexual wives of homosexual men who did not know of their husband's sexual orientation may feel deceived or blame themselves for not having known. Fear of encountering social disapproval or ostracism often makes it difficult for them to seek support from family and friends.[4] Findings suggest that heterosexual wives struggled less with the homosexuality itself than with problems of isolation, stigma, loss, cognitive confusion and dissonance, and lack of knowledgeable, empathic support or help in problem solving.[5]
Heterosexual wives often feel they are not feminine enough, while heterosexual husbands feel they are not masculine enough. In the particular case of a heterosexual-homosexual marriage, the heterosexual spouse may feel sexually inadequate.[6]
Divorce is one possible resolution for the homosexual partner, potentially with re-marriage to person of the same sex. Gay and lesbian people who
come out late in life may have children from a previous heterosexual marriage.
Lavender marriage
A lavender marriage is a type of male-female
marriage of convenience in which the couple are not both heterosexual and conceal the
homosexual or
bisexual orientation of one or both spouses. In
gay slang, the spouse whose presence conceals the other's sexual orientation is referred to as a "
beard".
History
Although there have been a number of prominent lavender marriages in history, the phrase itself came into colloquial use during the 1920s,[citation needed] when the imposition of morality clauses into the contracts of
Hollywood actors caused some
closeted stars to enter into
marriages of convenience to protect their public reputations and preserve their careers. The destruction of the career of
MGM actor
William Haines, who refused to end his relationship with his male partner Jimmy Shields and enter into a marriage at MGM's direction,[7] was said to have prompted a number of marriages of this type.[citation needed] While the term is no longer in common usage, rumors suggesting that some high profile celebrity couples marry to conceal the sexual orientation of one or both partners continue to circulate.
Among the couples and individuals who have been reported to have entered "lavender marriages" are:
Actor
Rock Hudson, who, under movie studio pressure and worried about rumors that Confidential magazine was planning to expose his homosexuality, married
Phyllis Gates, a young woman who worked for Hudson's agent.[8]
British diplomat
Harold Nicolson and his wife
Vita Sackville-West, who were both bisexual, were monogamous early in their marriage but after the births of their two sons acknowledged their preferences for their own sex and engaged in love affairs.[9]
American composer
Cole Porter, in 1919, married
Linda Lee Thomas, a rich divorcee from
Kentucky. Thomas was aware of Porter's homosexuality. Porter also preferred the heterosexual image this offered his budding career. They remained together until her death.
American theater actress and producer
Katharine Cornell was married to theater director
Guthrie McClintic. They lived together in their Manhattan townhouse, and she only appeared in productions that he directed. They remained married and devoted to each other until his death. [10]
In fiction
Fictional examples include:
The plot of a Korean film (2012) Two Weddings and a Funeral (directed by Kim Jho Kwang Su), in which
Min SU, a gay doctor enters into a lavender marriage with
Hyo Jin, a lesbian who wants to adopt a baby.
In the show Samantha Who? (2007-2009), the character Andrea Belladonna agrees to enter into a lavender marriage with gay basketball player Tony Dane.
In the 2008 Hindi movie Fashion, the character Rahul Arora, a gay fashion designer, marries Janet, a heterosexual model, to conceal his sexual orientation.
In American writer
James Frey's novel Bright Shiny Morning (2008), the homosexual actor Amberton Parker is in a lavender marriage with actress Casey Parker, also homosexual, in order to conceal both of their sexual orientations.
Lesbian women and heterosexual men
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Bisexuals
With heterosexual women
With heterosexual men
With homosexual women
With homosexual men
Asexuality
Gay and Bisexual Men
A study on 26 gay and bisexual men found that
internalized homophobia is a factor that leads such men into mixed-orientation marriages.[11] Marriages between a homosexual man and a heterosexual woman have a high probability of failure.[3]
While many hide their orientation from their spouse, others tell their spouse before marriage.[12] LGB parents must also decide how and when to
come out to their children. For many, this may be a difficult process.[13] It is also possible that someone was exclusively heterosexual in behavior and fantasies before marriage, but grew toward a more homosexual orientation during marriage.[14]
If a change in sexual orientation after a period of relative stability in sexual orientation causes anxiety or depression, especially if the person is involved in a relationship, the person may have a
sexual maturation disorder.
A person who is either in a mixed-orientation marriage or wishes to enter into one may go to therapy or support groups to deal with issues involved in that type of marriage.[15] A significant number of men and women experience conflict surrounding homosexual expression within marriage.[16] Although a strong homosexual identity was associated with difficulties in marital satisfaction, viewing the same-sex activities as compulsive facilitated commitment to the marriage and to monogamy.[17] Research by Coleman suggest that some develop a positive homosexual identity while maintaining a successful marriage.[18] Therapy may include helping the client feel more comfortable and accepting of same-sex feelings and to explore ways of incorporating same-sex and opposite-sex feelings into life patterns.[19] Peers provide the most support, while therapists are often unfamiliar with sexual orientation, mixed orientation couples, or societal attitudes that impact mixed orientation families.[20]
Approximately one third of marriages end immediately when the bisexual or homosexual spouse reveals his or her sexual orientation, whereas another third end after a short period of time. The remaining third attempt to continue the marriage successfully. In this case, the most successful marriages reassess their relationship in light of the sexual orientation.[6]
Some bisexual men express with minimal conflict their homosexual and heterosexual impulses within the framework of a mixed-orientation marriage.[21] with openness and communication being a key factor.[22]
Cultural references
The theme of mixed-orientation marriages in literature dates back at least to 1889 with the publication of A Marriage Below Zero by Alfred J. Cohen (writing under the pseudonym Chester Allan Dale). Cohen's heterosexual female narrator was married to a homosexual man. Cohen believed that women should be aware of the sexual orientation of a potential husband so they would avoid marrying a homosexual man.[23]Lesbian pulp fiction sometimes included married women exploring their attraction to other women. Other examples of the theme include Brokeback Mountain by
Annie Proulx, which features two married cowboys in love with each other.
The filmed version of Brokeback Mountain helped bring the issue of mixed-orientation marriages to public attention,[24] but several other movies had already dealt with the issue. Talk shows, such as
Oprah, have also addressed this situation.[25] Some of the movies that deal with mixed-orientation marriages include:
There have been several famous celebrities who are in a mixed-orientation marriage, including:
Anne Heche married Coleman Laffoon after breaking up with
Ellen DeGeneres. She told The Advocate in 2001, "I have been very clear to everybody that just because I'm getting married does not mean I call myself a straight."[26]
Cole Porter, who was described as "an openly closeted gay man,"[28] was married to
Linda Lee Thomas. Their marriage was the subject of Night and Day, but his sexuality was ignored. A later film, De-Lovely, dealt more openly with his sexuality.
Painters
Vanessa Bell and
Duncan Grant lived together for 40 years and had a daughter together, but had a sexual relationship for only a short time, as Grant was openly gay.
Vita Sackville-West and
Harold Nicolson were married for over 40 years and had two sons together, although both were homosexual. Their younger son Nigel wrote the book Portrait of a Marriage about his parents' relationship.
The love between writer
Lytton Strachey and artist
Dora Carrington is the subject of the film Carrington (1995). Although Strachey was openly gay, the two lived together for many years, and Carrington committed suicide upon Strachey's death from cancer, unable to live without him.
Poet
Kathleen Raine had an enduring deep relationship with gay
naturalist and writer
Gavin Maxwell; she famously cursed him by wishing him to suffer as she had suffered from her love for him.
Adrian, a costume designer, was openly gay, but married
Janet Gaynor in 1939.[31] Together they had a son named Robin Gaynor Adrian, born in 1940. They remained married until Adrian's death on March 3, 1959. Though Gaynor later remarried, she and Adrian are buried in the
Hollywood Forever Cemetery in
Hollywood, California.
David Bacon and
Greta Keller were married. Keller later said that Bacon was homosexual, and that she was lesbian, and that their marriage allowed both of them to maintain a respectable facade in Hollywood, where they were both attempting to establish film careers.
^Laumann, Edward O.; Gagnon, John H.; Michael, Robert T.; Michaels, Stuart (1994). The Social Organization of Sexuality: Sexual Practices in the United States. University of Chicago Press.
^Hays D, Samuels A (1989). "Heterosexual women's perceptions of their marriages to bisexual or homosexual men". J Homosex. 18 (1–2): 81–100.
doi:
10.1300/J082v18n01_04.
PMID2794500.
^Gochros JS (1985). "Wives' reactions to learning that their husbands are bisexual". J Homosex. 11 (1–2): 101–13.
doi:
10.1300/J082v11n01_09.
PMID4056383.
^Gates, Phyllis (1987). My husband, Rock Hudson: the real story of Rock Hudson's marriage to Phyllis Gates. Garden City, N.Y.: Doubleday.
ISBN978-0-385-24071-0.
^Nicolson, Nigel. Portrait of a Marriage. London: Weidenfeld and Nicolson, 1978.
^Mosel, "Leading Lady: The World and Theatre of Katharine Cornell," Little, Brown & Co, 1978.
^Schneider JP, Schneider BH (1990). "Marital satisfaction during recovery from self-identified sexual addiction among bisexual men and their wives". J Sex Marital Ther. 16 (4): 230–50.
doi:
10.1080/00926239008405460.
PMID2079706.
^Matteson DR (1985). "Bisexual men in marriage: is a positive homosexual identity and stable marriage possible?". J Homosex. 11 (1–2): 149–71.
doi:
10.1300/J082v11n01_12.
PMID4056386.
^Coleman E (1981). "Bisexual and gay men in heterosexual marriage: conflicts and resolutions in therapy". J Homosex. 7 (2–3): 93–103.
doi:
10.1300/J082v07n02_11.
PMID7346553.
^Brownfain JJ (1985). "A study of the married bisexual male: paradox and resolution". J Homosex. 11 (1–2): 173–88.
doi:
10.1300/J082v11n01_13.
PMID4056387.