Stargate broke into the American recording industry with the Billboard Hot 100 number-one single "So Sick" by American singer Ne-Yo, that they produced and co-wrote with Ne-Yo. - could you get a date in right away, so the reader has a timeframe?
In general, the article does not feel very complete. There needs to be a section on their effect on music. Also, the article does not flow as a coherent story, explaining the arise and development of this group and what is original about them.
Can you add an "Impact" or "Critical acclaim" section?
There is lacking any explanation of the individual roles of the members of the song-writing trio, or much description of their production methods. Considering their huge discography
Stargate production discography, no reasons for their phenomenal success are given. I understand that your sources do not provide much (I read through several of the articles) but there is no sense of what they brought to song writing and producing that accounts for their success or describes their unique talent.
Not much info given about the way they work together. As far as my "googling" ability is concerned, I can only give that info. --
Efe (
talk)
04:17, 11 February 2009 (UTC)reply
Actually, I take some of that back. The section "Influences and style" is good. If you could explain in the "Formative years" how they developed to that point, the process, that would be great.
It is a little confusing, as "Formative years" and "Influences and style" somewhat overlap in subject. "Formative years" is to explain how they developed their style or mode of operation? It seems arbitrary to some degree how the information is divided up. (Perhaps the sections should be combined, or else clearly differentiate their development from their current work. Also, the critic's reaction under "influences and style" probably should go under "Critical reception".
Changed to "Formation and early works". About the critic's reaction under "Influences and style", I think it should go there because its still a description of their music, although from critics. --
Efe (
talk)
06:24, 15 February 2009 (UTC)reply
"In their usual production style" - this comes far down in the article, and it has not been explained what their usual production style is. It would be helpful to know at what point they developed this style and what influenced it. And to know sooner in the article what it is.
Under "Formative years" is says "While in Europe", but it has not been explained when they went to Europe, unless you are referring to being in Scandinavia as Europe. But if that is the case, why do you suddenly refer to Europe here?
"Songwriters of the Year accolade at the 2007
ASCAP/
PRS" - this is confusing as it doesn't go to an award. Also, the use of slashes is discouraged, unless the actual name contains a slash.
On the very positive side, it seems like the information is basically here, it is the organization that needs tweaking. Also, some explanation of the enormous list under
Stargate production discography
I asked for a second opinion from another editor and this is the feedback I received:
The prose is often awkward, sometime unclear, and too verbose in places. Needs a big copyedit.
"Formative years":
Overall the best-written section, but ...
"Notable collaborations":
"gave American singer-songwriter Lionel Richie his first R&B hit, "I Call It Love", in 10 years" is awkward, I think "gave American singer-songwriter Lionel Richie his first R&B hit in 10 years, "I Call It Love"" would be much clearer.
"Eriksen and Hermansen's connection with Jay-Z began with the release of "So Sick", having met Ty Ty Smith, Def Jam A&R and longtime friend of Jay Z, then CEO of the label" is a horrible sentence:
It makes the seqnece of events totally unclear.
"Def Jam A&R and longtime friend of Jay Z, then CEO of the label" is telegraphically terse - "Def Jam's A&R manager and a longtime friend of Jay Z, who was then CEO of the label" would be better, but the best phrasing probably depends on how the events are clarified.
"Prior to the deal, EMI has been involved in the developments of Hermansen for nearly ten years since he signed a deal in 1999" - "Hermansen's projects"?
"Chiefly producing R&B and pop songs, Stargate's genre also includes hip hop" - pointless, ungrammatical (dangling participle) and misuse of "genre". I'd scrap the sentence.