 | 2016 Camellia Bowl has been listed as one of the
Sports and recreation good articles under the
good article criteria. If you can improve it further,
please do so. If it no longer meets these criteria, you can
reassess it. Review: March 26, 2021. ( Reviewed version). |
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| Reviewing |
- This review is transcluded from Talk:2016 Camellia Bowl/GA1. The edit link for this section can be used to add comments to the review.
Reviewer: PCN02WPS ( talk · contribs) 15:21, 19 March 2021 (UTC)
Hi there! I'll be reviewing this page within the next week or so. For full transparency, I have made two edits to this page (
22 Dec 2016 and
23 Dec 2016), though they were merely adding statistics to, and updating formatting on, a table that no longer exists within the article; I had nothing to do with the article's expansion. Note also that this is my first GA review, so I'll try my best!
PCN02WPS (
talk |
contribs)
15:21, 19 March 2021 (UTC)
I have added some comments on the first few sections, I should get to the rest of the article in the coming days. PCN02WPS ( talk | contribs) 07:16, 22 March 2021 (UTC)
I've finished with the rest of the comments below. Thanks for your patience. PCN02WPS ( talk | contribs) 05:02, 23 March 2021 (UTC)
Placing on hold for now, take as much time as you need to address further changes. PCN02WPS ( talk | contribs) 02:22, 25 March 2021 (UTC)
Lead
- "Played on December 17, 2016 at the Cramton Bowl..." → add comma after 2016
- "it was the third edition of the bowl game" → I'd specify that it was the third edition of the Camellia Bowl, specifically
- "Division I-FBS" → I think the hyphen is included for "Division I-A", but not for "Division I FBS"
- "a share of the Sun Belt conference championship" → capitalize "Conference", as the game is the championship of the Sun Belt Conference
- "The Rockets entered the game as one-point favorites, but the matchup was widely expected to be competitive" → reword this slightly, since the fact that Toledo was a one-point favorite supports the expectation for a competitive game instead of contradicting it.
Team selection
- "with a team from the Mid-American Conference" → add "(MAC)" after "Mid-American Conference" to specify since "MAC" is used elsewhere in the article
- "The game's creation was requested by the two conferences, lower-tier conferences in Division I-Football Bowl Subdivision (Division I-FBS) that desired additional bowl bids." → this sentence reads awkwardly, I'd reword this to eliminate repetition and see if the comma can be dropped (and nix the hyphens on Division I-FBS).
- "Although the Rockets had the 4th-ranked offense in the nation as compared to 55th for the Mountaineers, the 15th-ranked Mountaineer defense was ranked well above the 55th-ranked Toledo defense." → I would be consistent with how you refer to each team; you refer to App State as "Mountaineers" twice but use "Toledo" and "Rockets" once each in that sentence.
App State
- "Appalachian State nearly upset the #9-ranked Tennessee Volunteers" → "No. 9 Tennessee Volunteers"; per MOS:POUND, the "#" symbol should not be used as a number indicator.
- "falling 20–13 in double overtime" → "falling 13–20 in double overtime" - typically, the team in question's score comes first, rather than the winner's score regardless. Also applies to "45–10" loss to Miami and "28–24" loss to Troy
- "12 Appalachian State players were named..." → WP:NUMNOTES advises to avoid starting a sentence with a number
- "...but had recorded 872 rushing yards and eight touchdowns..." → since the first figure is represented by numerals (872), it's better to do the same for the second as well.
Toledo
- "...but had won the 2015 Boca Raton Bowl against #24 Temple." → change to "No. 24 Temple", per above
- "The Rockets only losses..." → "Rockets" is possessive, so add an apostrophe and change to "The Rockets' only losses"
- In the start of the second paragraph, swap the order of the scores for losses and replace "#" with "No."
- "they would won the West division" → "they would have won the West division"
Game summary
Broadcast and game notes
- "was broadcast on television on ESPN and on radio at ESPN Radio." → sounds more natural to me to say it was broadcast "by" xyz rather than broadcast "on" xyz
- specify the conference that the referee crew represented
- Done, but had to add a new source.. Toa Nidhiki05 00:44, 26 March 2021 (UTC)
"ended at 8:00" → "ended at 8:00 p.m."- isn't the eight implied? PM is already used earlier and it specifies the length overall as less than four hours.
Toa
Nidhiki05
00:44, 26 March 2021 (UTC)
- Good point, struck. PCN02WPS ( talk | contribs) 05:34, 26 March 2021 (UTC)
- isn't the eight implied? PM is already used earlier and it specifies the length overall as less than four hours.
Toa
Nidhiki05
00:44, 26 March 2021 (UTC)
First quarter
- "...Nick Ellis punted the ball on fourth down to Jaquil Capel of Appalachian State, who fair caught the ball at..." → gets a little repetitive, with "ball" in there twice
- "...but were called for pass interference..." → link to pass interference
- "...and the extra point from Jameson Vest made tied the game at 7–7." → doesn't read very well, I'd leave out "made"
- I'd be consistent with how you refer to yard lines; although MOS says to write out numbers from zero to nine, I think consistency is more important here. I'd go with numerals for all yard lines (that is, 8-yard line rather than eight-yard line).
Second quarter
- "...but the return was called back due to a holding penalty." → link "holding penalty" to Holding (American football)
- "seven-play" → "7-play" for consistency within the sentence
- "Appalachian State fair caught the punt at their 28-yard line, but a personal foul penalty pushed the ball back..." → link "fair caught" to fair catch and "personal foul penalty" to Personal foul (American football)
- "nine-play" → "9-play", as above
Third quarter
- "fourth-down conversion" → hyphen is unneeded
- "On the ensuing drive, Toledo answered with their own touchdown drive - a 14-play, 75-yard drive that ended with a four-yard touchdown pass from Woodside to Thompson." → I'd reword to make this a touch less repetitive (emphasis is mine)
- "five-play" → "5-play", as above
- "...a Moore rush for no yards, before the half expired." → This occurred at the end of a quarter, as opposed to the end of a half.
- Corrected. Toa Nidhiki05 01:57, 26 March 2021 (UTC)
Fourth quarter
- "third-down run" → hyphen is unneeded
- "third and 11" → "3rd and 11", since you use "4th and 1" and "4th and 7" later in the paragraph.
- "Corey Jones returned the ensuing kickoff the Toledo 43-yard line." → "...kickoff to the Toledo..."
Aftermath
- "...down 25 and 20% from the previous year's..." → I'd add a percent sign after "25" as well, just to make it as easy to read as possible.
Overall assessment
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GA review (see here for what the criteria are, and here for what they are not) |
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Overall: |
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My concerns have been addressed, so I am passing. Congrats, well done. PCN02WPS ( talk | contribs) 05:34, 26 March 2021 (UTC)
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